How can I feel so happy when my loved ones are going through such painful moments? And I didn't even know what happened. 4 days away from Nottingham and lives have been changed so drastically and suddenly.

I want to write here how happy and carefree and fun my trip to Barcelona has been. Saw so many spectacular architecture and sceneries, had so many moments of fun and laughter from companionship of pam, adam and cath, and yummy gelato and desserts to satisfy our sweet tooths. Shall put photos up soon.. cos now doesn't feel like the right moment.

How come this 4 day getaway feel so removed from "reality"? Reality that is stark, serious and difficult? It's as if for the 4 days i zapped out of my "real" life, and only come home to read emails which shocked me, which made me feel so sad. I don't wanna ask "why did it happen?" "why you, and not others?" because we never will get answers to this. Life and death is one cycle. this cycle is long and neverending for some. but it can also be very short for others. We all need to be taught to be accepting of the transcience of life. That we don't live in this world for - ever. That we should not live this life AS IF we're going to live forever. That we cannot pretend that the people- whom we love SO MUCH that we are truly willing to sacrifice our lives for- will live forever. We should prepare our lives for the day when the someone whom we love most, or perhaps 'only' love dearly, can be taken away from us and that what's really left is just memories, photos, the very dull and painful ache in your heart, that sobbing into your pillow, but also the strength to go on living in this mortal human world.

But i also know that this is easier said than done. I tell you, even as I write the above paragraph, i simply cannot imagine the day. The fear in me of losing my dearest loved ones is so immense, i sometimes just repress the thought into somewhere deep so that i cannot think about it. But we all need to prepare ourselves.

I want to say my view about this mortal life that we lead. Im typing this on my blog now and not in my diary, becos I hope to reach out to everyone who's reading this. I want to learn how to care and love for my family, friends and people around me, and not just for myself. I want to make efforts to be in my friends' and family's lives, not just be a fleeting memory, but a constant companion who know what's going on. I want to be there for people. My grandfather has this philosophy "Don't harm others, because that's equivalent to harming yourself; Don't scold others, because that's equivalent to scolding yourself."

Life should be about
1. Setting non-material, but high goals for yourself, be it intellectually, for career, for nobel causes; goals which can help to transform lives, that can contribute to progress in any part of the world

2. Investing time in people around you

3. Helping others less fortunate than yourself

4. Nurturing strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune

5. Knowing the moral values that you hold dear to, and being strong enough to uphold them. Not to be swayed by the slightest temptations or persuasions

6. Living your life, knowing the balance between "saving for rainy days" and "live everyday as if this is gg to be your last"
i.e. be prudent in taking good care of your own health/safety and exercising caution in general business affairs BUT ALSO, knowing the unpredictability of life and hence ensuring that you don't become so caught up in rat races/societal ladder/material wants that you lose sight what the emotional and spiritual needs. Both are as important as the other, but none is sufficient in itself.

7. Religion. But I am still seeking, so I shall leave this section untouched for the time-being.

8. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Why don't schools have a curriculum about "Life & Death"? It's queer how this cycle is so pure and definite (like Math), yet it's something that we know so little about, and feel so unprepared for. It's like the education system prepares us for the working world, for churning out efficient employees and employers.. but does not prepare us for the ultimate end. It's unfair. that people who had the chance to study in schools with a religious background be given spiritual teachings, but those in paganistic schools not given this opportunity. Im not saying that religion is a neccesity to understand about death. "Life & Death" does not require a religion to be reasoned about, it's common-sense psychology (which is NOT like scientific psychology at all, sad to say) which we all have some beliefs/views about.

I urge you, my friends, to think of death as being natural and unavoidable and nothing to be taboo-ed about. Learn how to die first, then begin to live your renewed life. I suppose we should all Begin with the End in Mind.

First day of liberation,
First snow of the year.
The semester has come to a satisfying end,
I pray that the Spain trip tomorrow will bring
Final Year, Term 1 to a memorable and delirious close!

it's 12.39am and i have an exam at 9am tomorrow! Haven been sleeping for more than 6 hours recently. Im so fatigued.

It's astonishing how much i've read over the past semester, and how much i've forgotten! absolutely NOTHING is retained in my memory.. Oh dear. Please tell me the paper will be okay tomorrow.

I just came back from dinner at Nando's with two friends. Just found out not long ago that my house area has a few nice restaurants! Dunkirk isn't that ulu afterall :) There's even a cinema that's about a 15 min walk away only!

Anyway, over dinner we got talking about the schools that we've been to, us being all from Singapore. We've more or less had similar education... from Dunman, Raffles Girls.. Hwa Chong, Victoria, Raffles.. despite the seemingly huge differences between these institutions, we're able to relate to each other very well. Started talking about how good and bad each of our experiences were in those schools.. how we felt when we 1st went in..the "culture" shocks, the adjustment, how stupid some of us thought the orientation activities were (but mainly because the very same ones are introverts by nature).. and the strict discipline in a particular school that moulded the students into conformers. Somehow the distinction became a 华校 versus English School type of teachings. How the chinese schools tended to be more traditional, less open to new ideas, strict and less vocal, whilst the english schools were the liberal ones. But then, we also had a stereotype of 华校生 being more down to earth, connected to the heart-landers, humble, nice, whilst the english educated being too faw away and sometimes give the impression of being cocky n arrogant. Note the word "stereotype".. this by no means is pointing fingers at any group of people who may fall into one of those category. In fact, im a cross-over myself.

It's quite refreshing discussing about these education issues.. all of us being experts in the field.. each of us having our own theory of what's our ideal school to be like. Just like how psychology is a course which most of us can relate too.. it is afterall a course about US, HUMANS.

Rewinding back to yesterday, my fren from Boston came to visit. It was really nice chatting and talking to him. We spoke about all sorts of topics.. and it was quite a pleasant surprise to know that he is grappling with issues and questions that i am currently facing. It's nice to know that im not the only one out there feeling confused about the questions and not knowing what the right answers are. At the end of the day, i know i can't ever convince everyone to my way of thinking/belief, but as long as i am convinced myself, and i don't find myself contradicting everytime the issues crop up in thought/discussions, then i think i would have found my answer to the questions. I know i have reached the point where i can't kid myself to continue in old ways, that i need the courage to face up to what i think is right and should be the way. 21 years old. The beginning of a new kind of life. The kind where i have to make my own decisions, and be able to justify myself.

But i still wish for the "hobbit" way of life, where people are happy-go-lucky, cheerful and busk in songs and dance and food, and most importantly being peaceful folks. No matter what, that's what i want to strive for! It's important to live in a harmonious and secure society.. it's very very important to me.

Back to tonight's discussion about the schools that we went to, i want to give credit again to Raffles Junior College. For it taught me how to believe in myself, to believe that we can all achieve the dreams that we dream. But more importantly, it taught me how to go about doing that. I have to begin with the end in mind. And along with that, I will reap what i sow.